


Welcome to Harlan County

by assassin_nariel



Category: Justified, Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Gen, The Congregation of the Church of Last Chance Salvation, warning: BOYD CROWDER, warning: problematic language, warning: problematic opinions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-27
Updated: 2013-08-27
Packaged: 2017-12-24 20:41:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/944424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/assassin_nariel/pseuds/assassin_nariel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A Night Vale tribute, not really a cross over, set during Justified Season 1.<br/>When Boyd Crowder is bored, he broadcasts his own view of Harlan County affairs and happenings, opinion pieces, musical interludes instead of the weather. Maybe, once, on a dark moonless night, he accidentally tuned in to the Night Vale Radio Station and was inspired; he does not remember. After all, there is no town named Night Vale.</p>
<p>Today: A man in a hat comes to Harlan, and Boyd embraces Jesus. These events are related.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Welcome to Harlan County

**Author's Note:**

> Read in Boyd Crowder's voice.

“Small towns in big mountains, where the coal dust flies black and the moonshine flows clear, and it will burn you like the wrath of the Almighty Lord. Welcome to Harlan County.

<a few country-ish notes strummed on a guitar, melody of Long Hard Times To Come>

Listeners, I have been away for a while, as you surely noticed. Alas, the United States Federal Government does not allow me to freely speak to all y'all from behind prison walls. I am free now, and on a mission from God. You may be laughing, familiar as you are with my old, sinful self. But allow me to share with you the story of my redemption from the very beginning.

Not such a long time ago, a man came into our humble community, listeners, and you may well have wondered... who is this man that drives into Harlan County in a town car? Why his long, proud stride, why the big gun, holstered at his hip, why his truly remarkable hat?  That is indeed how you wear a hat, nice and casual, not down on your ears… not naming no names, nor pointing any fingers, but y’all could stand some learning from this man. I did not wonder at all who he was, I know my friend Raylan Givens when I see him, and who would Raylan be now but a United States Marshal?

It is a sad day for all of us that used to know Raylan Givens, to see him as a lapdog for the Federal Government of Godless America. He was a wild one in his days at Harlan County High School. He broke Dickie Bennett’s knee, and we all agreed that was a good thing, and he went down with me in the mine, and we dug coal together. Not just the two of us, many are still alive to recall him, Arlo's boy, all legs and fists and angry dark eyes. 

It was no social call Raylan Givens was paying me neither. Why the Marshals Service would think I had anything to do with somebody shooting a bazooka into the black church of the Cool and Beautiful Jay Cee - that is how those dope fiends pervert our Christian faith, listeners, they use it to sell weed to our young folks in full view of so-called law enforcement, and the excuse is that their particular brand of religion seems to require it - this, listeners, is an outrage. It is outrageous, outrageous enough to fire a bazooka at, even - I am proud to say on air, here and now, that I would not only condone such actions, I would applaud them. I will also publicly deny herewith that I would shelter such a person from the agents of the United States government, lest they upend my home once again, but you know where my heart lies, listeners. You know.

Raylan, my old friend, had come to summon me to court, in our state capital of Lexington, whence I returned quite unharmed - I have already stated my innocence in the matter, and so I was free once more, though not for lack of trying by the dogged agents of the United States government. Which reminds me, I have actual news for you, since my release:

The Church of Last Chance Salvation, headed by my own self, may be found under the open sky and amid the woods of our mountains. All sinners are welcome, no matter their crimes, and if they invite the Lord into their hearts, I will not turn them away from my humble fireside, for neither would our Lord Jesus Christ. Kindle faith in your heart, and follow the light, is how you’ll find us. That, or by word of mouth. Word of warning for the ladies: our rough, simple life will be hardly suitable for y’all, and I would kindly request you to turn to your local church or women’s shelter if you are in need of help, or spiritual guidance. Be assured I love all children of the Lord equally, yes, even His colored children, too - but it is ever so hard to guide men to righteousness when faced with the glorious beauty of women. ‘Tis hard enough to crave drugs and poison, but the mere presence of women, I fear, will pull these unfortunate souls over the edge and into Devil’s claws.

<voice in background, too quiet to understand; possibly, Dewey asking what in the hell Devil’s got to do with it>

No, I meant Satan. Lucifer. The Evil. Not our Devil. That, dear listeners, is a friend, and he has been going by that nickname for as long as I recall, and so far, I have not been able to persuade him to drop that moniker. Neither has Devil joined us in our Church of Last Chance Salvation, not yet, but I do still hope.

<voice in background, too quiet to understand; definitely Dewey, asking what Boyd is even doing>

I am broadcasting an alternative to the government-run liberal media that corrupts our nation’s minds, Dewey Crowe.  Now go.

My apologies for the interruption, listeners. This is only an improvised radio station I’ve got here, a tent, an old radio and a generator. Our fuel runs low, so I will keep this short.

You remember, in the past, I have used this medium to speak my mind to Harlan County, and this is how it shall continue to be. Only now, my words will no longer be guided by blind hate, cold calculation, and arrogant pride. Now, my eyes have opened to the light of the Lord. I will not preach Bible verses to y’all, you got your local church for that, and your very own Bibles to read them from. Now, my friend Dewey here has handed me a note saying that someone here in our little camp here is concerned that you, listeners, may be wrongly thinking that I am no believer, that I am merely joking today. This would never have occurred to me, as I am still flying high on the rapture that is Jesus Christ’s forgiveness and acceptance of my battered soul.

I will explain, then, how this came to pass, and may this serve as a lesson to all of y’all that are less than perfectly loving to their wives, lady friends, and boyfriends. Just in case anybody is wondering, perhaps understandably as my opinion has changed on many a thing, lately: I in no way endorse or support the gay agenda, but consider, listeners. All of those folks are already headin’ to hell unless they repent, so there ain’t no real need to beat ‘em while they’re still alive. Any man’s got a right to defend his dignity from unasked-for attentions, of course, but if you let your righteous anger rule you, how will they repent if they are dead? Do not help the devil bolster the ranks of his army even more. Anyway.

My brother, Bowman Crowder, was not loving to his wife at all, and it got him shot at his own dinner table. I confess, listeners, to you and to the Lord, I was blind, a creature of wrath and greed and lust, and my first thought was not, as it would be now, to pray for my dead brother’s sins and to support his widow, who was being aggravated by law enforcement with no concept of justified self-defence in response to years and years of terrible abuse. No, all I wanted was to pursue beautiful Ava, and my manner may have been threatening and coarse, as it often had been when my brother was still alive. And it had to be my old friend, whom I believed to be on the side of the law and the federal government, not the side of good, who has shown me the error of my ways. This is the story, and I swear to God, it is the truth: Ava felt threatened, and she took up a shotgun against me. Raylan, believing I would harm her – blind sinner that I was, who knows what I truly might have done! – Raylan shot me right in the chest, just past my heart, with the quickest draw I ever seen and that includes the ones on TV, where they speed up the film to make it look faster. Be warned, those of you who may meet Raylan Givens in the execution of his duties and have the misfortune to stand in his way – Raylan Givens only pulls his gun to shoot, and he will only shoot to kill, and he will not, listeners, he will not miss.

The bullet broke my rib and missed my heart, and when I woke up in the prison hospital, I was a man reborn. God has spared my life, and now I am compelled by His divine grace to make others leave the path of darkness as well. The darkness is vast, and it seems like it could never be conquered by puny, little people like ourselves, but we are all drops in the ocean, listeners, and one day, we all of us will turn the tide, that when Rapture comes, our Lord will be overwhelmed with the many faithful he will receive in his fold, many more than even he in his divine omnipotence would expect, and the angels, they will wear their wings ragged bringing all of us up to Heaven….

<Dewey calls “All ready, Boyd!”>

Thank you. And now: the weather.

<Boyd’s congregation of misfits and ex-cons performs a very askew if enthusiastic rendition of Elvis’ Reach Out To Jesus, finishing in cheers and applause>

Listeners, you may be a little surprised….

<voices in the background, retreating, a rustle as the tent’s door is drawn shut>

... A little surprised, given that my last musical offerings have been performed rather more professionally. Some of you may well already be familiar with my little quirk of recommending music to my listeners instead of slavishly repeating the unreliable predictions of weather from network TV, squandering taxpayer dollars on so-called meteorologists – that’s weather experts, con artists, charlatans. Remember, only the Lord knows what the weather will be tomorrow! Admittedly, to some extent, our government’s spy satellites may see where the clouds are at any given moment, but what if the wind turns? And how will they know whether it rains or not? That, listeners, only the Lord will know. I am still partial to Macht und Ehre in particular, not to mention of course our many outstanding local country performers, but I felt this, a more traditional type of music, would set the right sort of tone for this here radio show, and its future direction, as well as my own future direction.

For the Lord is King in Heaven, but I am willing to accept Elvis Presley as the King on Earth, and it was his words that were sung by our small and humble congregation here at the Church of Last Chance Salvation. None of us may come close to the King, yet we sang with our hearts, and while there is room for improvement, through hard work and prayer, we shall get there, listeners, as in any other seemingly insurmountable challenge in life.

A word to Miss Ava Crowder, if she is listening – and sometimes, I wonder if anybody tunes in at all, especially now, such a long time since the last time I have been on air, and with such a change in my programming… Ava, I have wronged you deeply. I wish I could apologize to your face, but I fear my presence may frighten you, as it used to, so I hope that you will hear me. I dare not hope for forgiveness, for you are not as merciful as Jesus our Lord, but if anybody out here knows you, if you can’t hear it – let Ava know, I will never bother her again, and if there is anything I could help her with, she may count that I will do all within my power, and all that my faith permits me, to be of assistance.

And a final word to my old friend and unlikely savior, Raylan Givens: I hope you too find peace as I have. I will pray for you, as I pray for my brother’s soul, for my father’s salvation, for Dewey Crowe’s purity, as we all should pray for one another.

Good night, Harlan County. Good night.”

 


End file.
